Falling in Love Again
Anyone in the military who has endured the pain of being separated for even one deployment has felt at some level an affinity with the classic Journey anthem “Faithfully,” which captures the roller coaster ride of emotions that military couples experience with each separation. Few would confuse crooner Steve Perry for a marriage counselor (keyboardist Jonathan Cain, who penned the lyrics, divorced his wife three years after professing to be “forever yours, faithfully”), but the song makes some important observations about the challenges of reunion after a long separation.
That being separated can be hard on a relationship may seem to be a no brainer, but many pitfalls can be averted with being upfront about your expectations and fears. E-mails, Facebook and calls cannot replace the more robust communication that occurs when two people are together physically. If 70 percent of communication is indeed non-verbal, then it is obvious even Skype can’t fully compensate for the absence of presence. Knowing that discomfort and challenges are a normal part of being separated help to keep the focus on what is important.
Because of the physical separation, degraded communication and loss of shared experiences, it can feel like you are strangers when you are reunited. Again, this is normal and understandable because you have both changed as you’ve interacted and responded with unique experiences. But this should not necessarily be a cause for alarm – we are constantly changing. Devoting the time and effort to understand and communicate about those changes can strengthen love and appreciation.
It is interesting to find in a pop song the understanding that we can learn to “fall in love again.” Most people believe “falling in love” just happens effortlessly. But when (and if) you take a step back from your emotions, it is clear to see that when we set our affections on someone, we seek to understand and know them better, we try to find out their likes and dislikes, we find a million little ways to please them and make them happy. We “learn to fall in love” again when we do these things we did in the beginning of the relationship. Whether or not we realized it, we were really working at it – seeking to understand, demonstrating self-sacrificial love and putting the other person’s needs and happiness above our own.
It is amusing that we are content with the small amount of peace we may receive in the moment by becoming lazy in a relationship, when the work and effort it takes to protect and care for the relationship produces a fruit of joy and growth in closeness and intimacy that far outweighs our expectations. Rather than focusing on the fears of reunion, be realistic about the challenges and seek the joy that comes through the work and effort it takes to” rediscover” each other. Singing a love song is easy, living a love song takes work - but it is so much more enjoyable.